She was fire and heat. They sat in a bar staring at each other, hands dangerously close to each other's laps. He wasn't going to reach for her at first, not while the other girl was still on his mind. But that was the problem with Jamie; good moods came with price tags. He couldn't just be in a good mood. He had to be reckless and dumb and he felt he was invincible. He did whatever his heart desired because why not? I'm SO FUCKING HAPPY TO LIVE LIFE! Was this living life? They sat so close and did not touch and his heart beat out of his chest. Shots at a secluded Irish bar made him feel alive. A blowjob in an apartment building hallway made him feel alive.
He texted her. Again. And again. and again. Every time she responded. Every time she was excited to hear from him. You're quiet she'd say, if she didn't get the familiar buzz from his messages. That was something he had never experienced before. All the others, they lost their minds when he'd start texting everyday. But she relished in it. All this time he was afraid of her knowing who he really was, who he really could be, when maybe she had known all along.
He texted her. Again. And again. and again. Every time she responded. Every time she was excited to hear from him. You're quiet she'd say, if she didn't get the familiar buzz from his messages. That was something he had never experienced before. All the others, they lost their minds when he'd start texting everyday. But she relished in it. All this time he was afraid of her knowing who he really was, who he really could be, when maybe she had known all along.
She was delicate and blithe. That smile. Oh god that smile. They did everything in the book except the things 'The Book' apparently forbade. Jamie still believed in it, though, so he looked, oh he looked, but he did not touch. He snuck whispers in her ear at public outings because he knew the feeling of his breath against her skin would make her shiver. She touched his face, then ran her hands along the curve of his neck and his shoulder, because she knew how much he would lean into it, trying to get closer to her. Their kisses turned to heavy breaths, which turned to roaming hands, and they pressed close but they needed to stop! It wasn't right. They needed to do this right.
He wed her in the winter, just the two of them, his grandmother, her sister, and a priest who didn't ask about their connection to the faith. He lifted the veil on her face, and both of them made love for the very first time in their lives on their wedding night. Then he lifted the veil on the life he had with her. She was his first love, his first time, his first marriage, his first heart break.
He wed her in the winter, just the two of them, his grandmother, her sister, and a priest who didn't ask about their connection to the faith. He lifted the veil on her face, and both of them made love for the very first time in their lives on their wedding night. Then he lifted the veil on the life he had with her. She was his first love, his first time, his first marriage, his first heart break.
She was a solid wave crashing over him. Nothing had ever felt like this. Her eyes were deep pools that grabbed a hold of him and sent him reeling in a riptide. He was along for the ride, because he could not deny her, not when it felt this good. Head resting on his shoulder, arms around her waist. The scent of her hair in the morning. The gentleness of her laugh. "You're perfect." He had said, with no internal quarrels. "You're all I've ever wanted." He gave, easily. "I'm nothing without you." His intensity shifted, and he could feel the ground shifting underneath his feet. He could feel the riptide thrusting him out to deep waters.
He'd beg until he was blue in the face, even if he knew they weren't exactly right for each other. But what was he going to do without her love? He was nobody without it, and though he knew this wasn't true, it felt like it was. It felt like he was drowning, the waves covering his head over and over again. All he needed was her love and he would be set free. He couldn't do this on his own. All he needed was her love, and he could live.
He'd beg until he was blue in the face, even if he knew they weren't exactly right for each other. But what was he going to do without her love? He was nobody without it, and though he knew this wasn't true, it felt like it was. It felt like he was drowning, the waves covering his head over and over again. All he needed was her love and he would be set free. He couldn't do this on his own. All he needed was her love, and he could live.
She was electricity. She loved him before he loved her, and that was a first. How many times had he done this song and dance, where he fell head over heels in an instant? But Amy fell for him. Amy followed him. Amy adored him. And all he did was play silly love songs for her on a beat up guitar. Easily, they slipped into something beautiful. And the beauty overtook him. Why was she no longer falling for him? Why did she no longer follow him? Why did she no longer adore him? There were no more doe-eyed stares, so he questioned everything. Do you even still love me? Who are you texting? Where did you go yesterday? How can you love me and treat me like this!
His face burned from the tears shed, not over their love, but over his actions. Everything deep within him said he shouldn't treat someone he truly loved this way. And yet he did it anyway, because he didn't believe anyone could truly love him.
His face burned from the tears shed, not over their love, but over his actions. Everything deep within him said he shouldn't treat someone he truly loved this way. And yet he did it anyway, because he didn't believe anyone could truly love him.
He was torture and darkness. Closets. Closed doors. Hands all over his body. Mouths eager for more. Adjust. Open door. Move on.
Pantry at a house party. Hands all over his body. Mouths eager for more. Adjust. Open door. Move on.
Surprised faces. Shrug it off. Joke about it. Move on.
Late night texts. Jealous glances. Spiteful stares. Rough sex. Denial. Move on.
I don't love you. You're nothing to me. Get out of my face. You're crazy. I could never love you. Jamie, I'm with her now. Move on.
Pantry at a house party. Hands all over his body. Mouths eager for more. Adjust. Open door. Move on.
Surprised faces. Shrug it off. Joke about it. Move on.
Late night texts. Jealous glances. Spiteful stares. Rough sex. Denial. Move on.
I don't love you. You're nothing to me. Get out of my face. You're crazy. I could never love you. Jamie, I'm with her now. Move on.
She is a mysterious dream. She's blushing, and as if he can't help but mirror her emotions, a warmth flows over his entire body every time he sees this. The first time, he thought it was just circumstance. The second time, he thought he must have said something that embarrassed both of them. The third time, he knew he was on to something. And the fourth time...the fourth time he made a silent pact to himself to make that happen again and again, as much as possible. The feeling of her happiness is magnetic, drawing him closer and closer. Before the realization of Vivien, he had fought hard against the magnetic poles in his life. He repelled the idea of breaking down his walls yet again for yet another invitation for heartbreak. His walls kept him terrified that he was broken, unable to create a connection.
But she laughs at his silly jokes and watches him wide eyed as he serenades her. She gives him a peek into her deep mystery and they create an unspoken bond on top of the turmoils of their histories. He doesn't dream of wild fantasies. He dreams about tucking her hair behind her ear. He dreams about red hemlines and a sultry voice over piano. He dreams about fingers finding each other amid a crowded room. He dreams about her blushing.
But she laughs at his silly jokes and watches him wide eyed as he serenades her. She gives him a peek into her deep mystery and they create an unspoken bond on top of the turmoils of their histories. He doesn't dream of wild fantasies. He dreams about tucking her hair behind her ear. He dreams about red hemlines and a sultry voice over piano. He dreams about fingers finding each other amid a crowded room. He dreams about her blushing.