I can't fucking see, I'm so angry.
Hi Jamie. Have you tried any of the anger excersies we worked on?
No. Trying that now. But it just hurts so much.
Can you talk me through what happened?
My mother. I'm so angry at her for everything and I still don't want her to be a part of my life. Things have been fine lately, we haven't spoken in almost six months until today. Not even after Pray for the Wicked, which I thought you would FREAK OUT over and call and text me incessantly about. But she avoided me, and then decided to call today to pray for my soul or whatever. So I'll admit, I texted her and said some mean things. But she fucking deserved every single word!!
*she would freak out, not you
You mention your mother not reaching out to you after your album release. Would you have wanted her to reach out?
NO. I don't want to talk to her.
Then I think you should ask yourself why you care that she called, if you don't want to speak to her?
I just want her to be normal, and to be proud of me and not make me feel like shit but that's never going to happen!!
As children, we all look to our parents for acceptance, guidance, and love. These are three things you did not get from your mother that you are still yearning for today. Your anger is justified, but it's also blindingly powerful in your situation. If you look to removing the weight of importance on her acceptance, you will be able to begin moving past that anger and healing. And despite what she did to you, you need to take care of yourself, which means being structured when responding to messages out of anger.
I'm fucking crying, I can't deal with any of this right now.
Are you counting? Breathing? I would recommend a meditative reflection. Ask yourself why you STILL need her acceptance? Do you really?
No, I don't need it, I just really fucking want it. She's my mother.
You've told me before that you count your Grandmother as your true mother. Do you still feel this way?
Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I don't consider Helena my mother. My mother is gramma. She made me a better person.
And now you are working at it yourself. Jamie, the trauma you endured from your mother is not going to be an easy road to navigate, but you're getting closer to your destination each day.
I'd like to get on a call with you, to hear your voice and help calm you more if needed. Is that okay?